The house is packed.
The flight is booked.
Official start date on the calendar.
You are uprooting your life and embarking on a new journey miles away from the place you once called home. Whether it’s moving across state lines, cross country, or across the globe in a new country, starting over at any stage of your life can be a challenge. The friends, relationships, and community you’ve forged through laughs at bottomless brunches, side-eyes at work, and “Whew! That trainer tried to kill us!” moments at the gym are no longer as easily accessible and it’s daunting to think about rebuilding those connections in a new city.
For guidance on the best ways to navigate such a change, we spoke to life coach Aurelia Michael. She advises Black women who are starting over in a new place and find themselves in search of genuine friendship. We also tapped three Black women living around the world who took the leap to move away from all they know. All parties get real about fears, the thrill of a new chapter and the journey to cultivate community in new area codes and countries.
Create Goals That Are Measurable and Manageable
For Bethany Hines, when she packed her bags, leaving Arkansas for Atlanta at 23, life was a blank canvas. She had secured a coveted position at her dream company and was right in the heart of Black Hollywood where every day brought a new adventure. Then she got the call she never expected in an opportunity to move to New York. Hesitation and trepidation immediately followed; she’d be starting from square one in a new city — again.
“I didn’t want to start over. I was comfortable. I had my friend group and family in Atlanta. New York City was never on my list. I didn’t have a community there and the idea of living there was overwhelming,” Hines says.
As she can attest to, starting over in your 20s is exhilarating, a transition into adulthood and a deepening realization of who you are and who you want to become. Yet, as you get older, that excitement for once again beginning anew can fizzle. Square one doesn’t sound as exciting, especially when seeking sisterhood.
Michael encourages Black women have clear expectations of what you want your life to look like as you make that move and an action plan to make it happen.
“You want to make new friends in your town? Well, what does that mean? [Lay out your goals], say ‘I’m going to go to this place on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays and actually follow through.” she says. This is exactly how Hines maneuvered her first months in a new city with no family or friends after overcoming her worries about NYC.
“New York is a big city but can still feel lonely. When I moved seven years ago, I decided to join the MeetUp app to attend social events. The events were less intimidating since everyone was there to make new friends or professional connections,” Hines says. “I made sure to make my rounds in those spaces and introduce myself to people. I quickly made some great connections that I still have to this day.”
When Tabria Lenard made the decision to leave New York to head across the pond to London, she was bursting at the seams with excitement at the idea of returning to the city she had grown to love while in business school.
“I wasn’t nervous at all! I did a six-month internship in London and always thought I would come back to live and work,” Lenard says. Although she was familiar with the city, she knew a permanent, full-time move meant she would have work to do to find community and expand both her professional and social circles.
But the work doesn’t have to be far from what you’re used to. “What are the things you already love to do? Find that thing and connect to people there,” says Michael. “If I want to be out at the club on a Saturday night with my friends, then that’s where I’m going to go and look for those friends. But if I want to sleep on a Saturday night because we’re going to church on Sunday morning, then I’m going to look for friends at local churches,” says Michael.
Which is exactly what Lenard did when she found herself longing for a very specific type of network in London.
“You get to build the home you want. I founded the community I wanted. In the academic world in the UK, it’s common to have Afro-Caribbean societies, but nothing that gathers the Black community, offers a safe space for us irrespective of your nationality, and speaks to our advancement,” says Lenard. “So I created, ‘Black In Business,’ an organization that gives Black business graduate students and alumni [in London] a sense of belonging, a space to be themselves, and a platform for personal, professional, and social progression.”
Make Room for New Friends
For Nadia, when she left the United States and her hometown in Missouri for a life of full-time international travel four years ago, she completely departed from her norm and ventured into unfamiliar territory as a solo explorer.
“I felt anticipation for the wonderful experiences that were to come, new people, new places, new sights. That’s what I was really looking forward to,” she says. “I’d never taken a trip abroad that didn’t have an end in sight. I bought a one-way ticket and that felt bold for me because I usually have more structure.”
Part of that structure was always having friends, family and a network available for everyday life. Becoming a one-woman globetrotter immediately turned that life upside down.
“If everyone in your life has known you for the last five to 10 years, [moving] gives you a chance to show up in this new place and fully step into your 2.0 version. The only way to do that is to make room to invite new energies and meet people where you’re at now.”
For Nadia, she decided to truly immerse herself in the new cities she found herself in.
“Being solo makes you more approachable and invites conversation and new connections. My life and experiences have been enriched by the new people I have met, simply because I was open to having a conversation or willing to try something new. A casual chat on a walking tour in Belgrade led to a friendly reunion in a completely different city,” says Nadia.
It’s all about perspective. Moving to a new city does not have to be an intimidating process where you focus so much on the past that you don’t look towards the doors that are now open to you. Transitioning to a new city is an incredible opportunity to enrich and expand your circle and experiences. Developing a community that is physically close and reachable beyond the other side of a phone screen is key to truly making a new city your home.
